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Editor’s Note: Aloof how adamantine is it to accomplish the U.S. Olympic team? Does it crave a lifetime of training and devotion? Would an boilerplate actuality with an able-bodied accomplishments accept any attempt at all?

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E-ticket will acquisition out the answers over the abutting two years. We’ve bankrupt Kathryn Bertine, a aloft ice skater, able triathlete and able author, to see whether she can somehow acquisition her way to Beijing in 2008. In what sport? Well, that’s what she’s aggravating to acquisition out.

TUCSON, Ariz. — Let’s bang this commodity off with a pop quiz:

Which of these altar weighs 10,805 grams?

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You’re right, it’s D. And my 10,805 grams o’ leg does not alike accommodate the weight of the bones, aloof the muscle, fat and tissue of that one accurate limb. My absolute body? A whopping 59,431 grams of Olympic hopeful potential, baby. Which is far added absorbing than adage I counterbalance 135 pounds.

I acquired my larboard leg’s accurate advice by way of:

D again! I could calmly absorb the draft of this cavalcade cogent you about the anatomy fat allotment of my fourth toe or the able-bodied ambit of my armpit, but I abhorrence administration such alluring adeptness would annual the draft of your activity to feel boring. And I don’t appetite that. D, however, has a abundant added absorbing story.

Elite athletes — if I may be so adventurous as to accommodate myself as one — are appealing acceptable aback it comes to alive their bodies. We’re like big babies. We apperceive aback we’re tired, hungry, bad-humored and charge to be changed. Usually, we apperceive how to accommodated these needs in the calefaction of competition. But medical technology has developed so abundant over the accomplished few decades that “knowing the body” has been taken to a accomplished new level. For example, I consistently knew I bare to absorb aliment during a continued bike ride, but I had no abstraction I bare absolutely 61 grams of carbohydrate, 200 mg of sodium, 210 calories and 36 ounces of electrolyte-enhanced aqueous per hour for my accurate 59,431 grams of self.

In November, I spent four accommodation canicule at the aiguille achievement center, agreeably and acquiescently accepting poked, prodded and X-rayed by the best sports medical aggregation in the country. Afterwards all, I figured, if I’m aggravating to be an Olympian, it’s apparently a acceptable abstraction to see if I’m physically able of such demands. Finding out I had some abiogenetic abridgement of adeptness or some attenuate ache would absolutely accept been a bummer, but acceptable article I should apperceive now rather than later. The amateur ancillary of my academician was assured the tests would about-face up acceptable things. The artistic biographer lobe, however, envisioned ultrasounds assuming conflicting gene mutations and ample orbs of baffling bits clawing through my half-human claret stream. I’m not abiding the International Olympic Committee allows extraterrestrials to attempt at the Olympics, so you can accept my concern. In accession to my anatomy accepting physically examined, my ego was in charge of an evaluation, too. Afterwards pentathlon, aggregation handball, clue cycling and the Ironman World Championships ashore their acrimony into my able-bodied pride, I hoped a Canyon Ranch analyst could bake some of the wounds.

Even admitting I alive bristles afar abroad from Canyon Ranch — which, in my mind, fabricated me added of a driver — I was abundantly accustomed as a bedfellow at the ultra admirable spa resort in the foothills of the Catalina Mountains. Not alone did I get chargeless commons and board, but I was accustomed chargeless accolade at the café anytime I wanted! (If you’re new to my quest, I accept a rather astringent ambrosia addiction.) At the Aiguille Achievement Center, Dr. Steven Brewer and Dr. Richard Gerhauser advised my blood, bones, anatomy and organs. Hana Feeney, a registered dietitian, bankrupt bottomward my comestible needs, and bloom therapist Peggy Holt bravely wandered into my psyche. Exercise physiologist Mike Siemens set me up with a cycling-specific weight training program. Afterwards eight years as a triathlete, my long-distance cycling acquaintance seemed like the best analytic Olympic aisle to follow. Finally, Teri Albertazzi, additionally an exercise physiologist, attentive translated all their abstracts to me in slow-spoken, easy-to-understand words afterwards I requested she explain things to me as if I were a 4 year old. (“Ventilatory beginning capacity” and numbers with decimal credibility are way over my head.) The doctors’ stats basically abstinent how abundant able-bodied abeyant there is central my muscles, affection and mind. It turns out I don’t appear from the planet Gixtharoog afterwards all. Which is too bad, as that would accept explained a lot.

Stripped bottomward and photocopied

“Actually, your basic are 25 percent added close than best bodies your age,” Dr. Brewer tells me. Not alone can I clearly booty actuality close as a compliment, but the adeptness of my cool able basic deposits some absolute amulet in my overdrawn ego account.

“So I’m affectionate of like Bruce Willis in ‘Unbreakable’?” I ask.

“Um … no.”

Well, it’s article to assignment toward. Olympics first, superhero later.

Next, I arch into the nurse’s appointment for a look-the-other-way-while-I stick-this-foot-long-needle-in-your-arm claret test. Usually, claret tests accord stats on adamant levels and red/white claret corpuscle counts and whether addition partakes in assorted annoying activities. The Aiguille Achievement analysis goes so far as to discharge out three bedding of abstracts abounding with words like globo-oxy-oloride-ochine, barometer 67 altered apparatus of my claret and whether such things should be there at all. They alike analysis for article alleged homocysteine, which could acquaint me if I’m at accident for cardiovascular diseases. Like my close bones, my claret seems to be botheration chargeless and annihilation abrupt has been begin pond amid my cells. Aloof some acceptable old DNA, platelets and plasma. And sugar.

After my claret and basic are tested, I accommodated up with Siemens and Albertazzi to actuate my concrete strengths and weaknesses in a beef action appraisal session. I beam aback to my aggregation handball experience, apprehensive whether Mike and Teri are activity to accomplish me do manly-man pull-ups or advance me with fat calipers. Instead, they put me on a leg-press machine, which is captivated up to a computer.

“We’re activity to do three tests,” Mike informs me. “The aboriginal is a four-second leg backbone achievement drill.”

Four seconds? My affectionate of test!

Mike has me advance the computerized leg-press apparatus with all my super-dense ability for four seconds, one leg at a time. The apparatus goes nowhere, but a little band on the computer awning blueprint dips and climbs with every atom of effort. Afterwards aloof four seconds, anniversary leg is exhausted. Naturally, we do it over and over again.

Then comes added edgeless force agony in assignment No. 2, breadth I’m asked to do 20 leg columnist repetitions of 60 pounds as fast as I possibly can. This time the apparatus moves like a approved leg press. The weight blocks zoom up and down, and the computer displays bright zigzaggy abstracts and agleam afterwards outputs that are adamantine to appreciate but somehow visually stimulating. Sixty pounds is not all that heavy. But accomplishing it in time to the agitated clip of Richard Simmons on able proves rather exhausting. Of course, we do this again. And again.

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The best test, however, is the one that measures my able-bodied coordination. On the computer awning is an angel agnate to the old Atari bold “Breakout.” A little brawl bounces up to the top of the screen, afresh bottomward again, and my job is to move the little birr mark below the brawl so that it bounces aback up again. But this is no hand-eye allocation analysis — I accept to move the birr mark by blame one bottom adjoin the leg-press platform. Like video amateur for my thighs! Afterwards Breakout, we do two added allocation tests agnate to Frogger and Q*Bert, and it is anon accessible that my appropriate quadriceps can calmly outplay my larboard quadriceps. Actually, my larboard leg absolutely tanks.

I ask Mike what the accustomed aberration is for left/right backbone and coordination.

“Most bodies accept about 10 percent alterity amid their appropriate and larboard leg strength. Elite athletes usually accept amid a 3 to 5 percent difference,” he says.

“What is mine?”

“Your appropriate leg is 13 percent stronger than your left.” Instant ego coffer withdrawal.

“Thirteen percent?! I’m that abnormal?” Must accept been my 15-year amount skating career, with all that g-force from a actor right-leg landings. And two actor blast landings.

“Yeah, but we’ll fix it.”

I anticipate myself accustomed a brick in my larboard abridged for a year. Or cycling with one leg. Mike assures me I’ll alike out on a weight training program. He gives me a breadth of blueprint cardboard on which is accounting assorted weights I’ll lift every added day for the abutting two years; bank press, dogie raises, squats, lats, bis, tris, back, abs, achievement and adaptability intervals. My eyes feel stronger aloof attractive at it.

Insecurities? Me? Ha!

“OK, Peggy, so there I am, on the bike at the Hawaii Ironman. It is actual hot and my abdomen is not tolerating aliment or drink. I abhorrence my run will be a disaster. Then, all of a sudden, a aural bark echoes through the sky! I attending up, and a griffin — half-eagle, half-lion — is barreling adjoin me aloof like it did adjoin adventurous Prometheus in ‘Clash of The Titans.’ The griffin claws my abdomen out with its aciculate talons and drops my absolute abdominal clue assimilate the hot, Hawaiian bedrock rocks adjoining to the bike lane. My belly sizzle. But the broad aperture in my anatomy magically heals! And I haven’t chock-full pedaling already during my absolute disembowelment! The griffin gives me a aerial bristles (with its wing, not its talon), and I arch into the alteration area, cruise to a arrive marathon, and my anew developed abdomen never, anytime bothers me again. The end.”

Peggy looks at me for a moment, afresh says, “Next session, let’s try some hypnotherapy.”

“OK!” I agree. That should about-face up some fun stuff. But she’ll never get my griffin. He lives actual abysmal central my brainy blessed place.

Am I a Ferrari or a Pinto?

“This’ll acquaint you how abundant oxygen can be captivated into your claret and appropriately activated by your muscles,” Dr. Gerhauser tells me.

“Pardon?”

“Your VO2 max will acquaint us whether you’ve got the application of a Ferrari or a Pinto,” he clarifies. I acknowledge him for the metaphor.

To acquisition my VO2 information, Dr. Gerhauser gives me a cardiometabolic accent test, which sounds about as abundant fun as it is. Afterwards the assistant sticks six electrodes assimilate assorted locations about my torso, I ascend on a anchored bike that is pre-programmed to almanac watts, affection rate, revolutions per minute and added medical/cycling data.

“Every minute,” Dr. Gerhauser says, “I will access the wattage of the bike, authoritative it harder for you to pedal. Accumulate activity until you can no best accumulate the pedals affective aloft 60 revolutions per minute.”

Finally, a fettle analysis with no horses, swords, assurance or push-ups! I’m above psyched.

“The assistant will booty your affection amount and claret burden every minute. I will authority up a blueprint and you will point to your perceived exertion.” Dr. Gerhauser shows me the blueprint with its block-printed categories: VERY EASY, EASY, MODERATE, DIFFICULT, VERY DIFFICULT and EXTREMELY DIFFICULT.

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“How continued do these tests usually take?” I ask, cerebration I’ll be on the bike for an hour or two.

“About 14 minutes, maybe 15,” the doctor says.

Ha! You anticipate I’m activity to bankrupt myself afterwards 15 minutes?! Hellooo, I’m an ability athlete, Doc!

Clearly my ego has abstruse annihilation from pentathlon, handball and the aerial 500-meter sprints of clue cycling. Everything that sounds simplistic turns out to be the devil’s acrimony bestowed aloft me.

Before accepting on the bike, I’m accustomed a breath test, in which I accept to breathe as adamantine as accessible into a little white tube. I do as I’m told, and instantly acquisition a new account for breathing. It is a lot harder to do aback bodies angle over you and booty notes. I am afresh outfitted with article that resembles a audacious beat over the face. The artificial allowance about my aperture and adenoids are to ensure I breathe anon into the apparatus that calculates my oxygen usage. The analysis begins. I pedal. My academician comes forth for the ride.

Minute 1: Easy squeezy! Feels like they haven’t alike angry the bike on. I point to VERY EASY on the clipboard.

Minute 2: Are you badinage me? I could do this with one leg. VERY EASY.

Minute 3: I admiration if Letterman will appetite to account me? VERY EASY.

Minute 4: I’m activity to draft these doctors away, yo. VERY EASY.

Minute 5: Finally, a little attrition to the pedal. Still, too abundant leg flailing. VERY EASY.

Minute 6: OK, this is my three-hour pace. Nooo problem. EASY.

Minute 7: “It’s the eye of the tiger/it’s the adventure of the fight/it’s …” EASY.

Minute 8: And in aboriginal place, from the United States, Kaaaaathryn Bertiiiiiiiine … EASY.

Minute 9: I admiration if Oprah will appetite to account me, too. Why should Letterman accept all the fun? EASY.

Minute 10: Yeah! OK! I was apprehensive aback the diaphoresis would start. MODERATE.

Minute 11: Whoa, did he aloof amateur the watts?! MODERATE.

Minute 12: I … will … not … point … to … “DIFFICULT.” MODERATE.

Minute 13: Wih … nu … poi … tu … dificuh. MODERATE.

Minute 14: Ghunhhh … ghunhhh … ghunhhh … You appetite me to try to lift a feel and point to that freaking clipboard? Are you out of your acutely able mind, Dr. Jekyll?

Minute 15:30.2: …………………… EXTREMELY FREAKIN’ DIFFICULT. VERY FREAKIN’ FINISHED.

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I slouch over the handlebars, bouncing whatever oxygen I can get into my strappy little amateur mask. Nine annual later, my beating — which accomplished 190 — settles to 108 and drops boring from there. I’m spent. Exhausted. Toast for the draft of the day. Later, in Dr. Gerhauser’s office, he presents me with the evidence.

“Most women your age [31, if you’re scoring at home] accept a VO2 max of about 30 …” Dr. Gerhauser says.

I shudder. Memories of aerial academy algebraic agents flood my brain. Best acceptance in this chic boilerplate about 85. You boilerplate 30, Absence Bertine. Great. My VO2 max is about to go for the jugular of my Olympic dream.

“… your VO2 max is 71.”

“Seventy-one? So that’s like a C-minus?”

“No, it agency you accept the lung accommodation of two and a bisected women.”

What? Really? “Seventy-one is good?!

Dr. Gerhauser gain to account a few Olympic medal-winning women with VO2 maxes in the low 70s — Grete Waitz, Joan Benoit Samuelson, Mary Decker Slaney.

“Lance Armstrong has a VO2 of 85, but as a man he’s got added acme and accumulation than you, so analogously you’re not all that far off,” he says. I get the blessed shivers.

A man and 2½ women

“Steve, both our dreams accept appear accurate … I’m 2½ women!”

“Fantastic, hun!”

“And a griffin tore out my stomach!”

“Right then, able-bodied done!”

“And I get to appear aback to Canyon Ranch already a ages for cerebral evaluations!”

“Brilliant, luv!”

Steve is actual supportive. And actual British. I like him alike added than dessert.

VO2 tests, claret samples, anatomy scans and thigh games. At the end of my Canyon Ranch stay, I feel 10 times added assured of my abilities as an athlete, and appealing abuse psyched about autograph my aboriginal ESPN adventure in which I don’t end up losing, falling or sucking at my accustomed task.

Despite my disability to throw, block, swordfight, dart or beacon horses, it turns out I do accept abeyant as a high-performance athlete. I aloof bare to get my application in the appropriate vehicle, and it’s attractive like that’ll be a bike. So, I’m activity to booty all of my 59,431 grams of flesh, my ample basic and my oxygen-happy lungs out for a training ride and see if that gets me one footfall afterpiece to my Olympic dreams.

NEXT: Kathryn hits the alley — (literally and figuratively) — as a cyclist as she tries to authorize for the Olympic aggregation in the time balloon and alley chase events.

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Kathryn will chase in 2007 apery SportBeans/NTTC, Trisports.com and Trek Bicycles.

Got a catechism or animadversion for Kathryn? She’ll be answering e-mails in an accessible column. You can ability her at [email protected]

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